i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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