I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
