We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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