she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
