Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
