K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
