Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I believe in your delicious
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
