I think my fart just growled at me.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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