Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
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