I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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