From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
