No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
