you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
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Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
