I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
