1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
