He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
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