If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
