you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
