Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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