no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
