Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
