whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
