wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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