You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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