His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
what day is it and did you see me today?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
