I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
