I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
