I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You pole danced in your parka.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
