'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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