Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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