Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
