Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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