i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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