i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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