The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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