at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
