You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
