Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She said her name was "party"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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