Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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