Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
