My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
