He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
