I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
