I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
