I wish I only lived at night.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
