Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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