How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
