Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
