my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
