3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
